Stress, Pseudo-seizures, triggers, progress

There have been many times in my life where I have been triggered and landed in an innner emotional state that was difficult to escape healthily. In the past I'd despair of ever becoming free of the intense symptoms that would seem to descend upon me. But what do you know, there really is a resolution to my symptoms, even if it is now just a view into the future, and not yet reached. A resolution and a healing resourced from the oddest of places.

For any of us who live with wounds from the past that seem to repeat in a continous loop, we know how it seems like there are no end to the triggers that send us spiraling. In our more philosophical moments, we think of karma, and growth, and how perhaps the trigger is a lesson or a healing that hasn't quite made it all the way down to the level of consciousness that it needs to in order to resolve. Over time, and with outside guidance, we learn to become objective about our suffering, observant of our pain, detectives involved in tracing the way back to how and where the pain started so that a bypass or stopping can be injected. Every backward tracing creates a map to how things are, and gives a clue as to how or where newer, better, healthier tracks could be laid.

This all sounds so cryptic, I know. But we all have these conversations with ourselves. My new job has been a blessing financially, and a major source of triggers emotionally and psychologically. There has been a difference though, in how I am experiencing the triggering. I think it has to do with the nature of the work itself and who I have always believed I am and needed to be.

My new job is in the death services industry. I answer phone calls from people who have had someone they love die within only a few minutes or hours. I help coordinate funeral home pickups, death certificates, and other related processes. For the most part, while the event happening is profound and about the most stressful anyone experiences, the actual phone call does not tend to be intense. The cumulative effect of knowing the what and the how and who and how many and knowing how suddenly life can change, is a source of stress and self-reflection. None of which is a bad thing at all, actually.

The most stress I feel from my job, ironically, is from the expectations of management. Not that they have unreasonable expectations, just that their style is similar to what I experienced from my own mother when growing up. Like being told what is expected to be known only after I have done something wrong. Criticism for making mistakes (which they say is no big deal, just a correction) but hearing and feeling how I did as a kid that a mistake leads to punishment of the severe, humiliating, mortifying kind. Triggers that mean something to the kid in me that mean something different to the adult that is me now. Triggers that nevertheless still start the fear, anxiety, panic, within, which in turn calls forth physical memories of events unpleasant and unresolved.

The saving grace in this situation is the deep belief and need I have had throughout my life of recognizing, acknowledging and validating emotional truth. It was a long, and continues to be a long, journey of learning how to deal with emotions, period. But it does not bother me that people on the phone are experiencing profound grief in their lives as I speak to them. There is a strong part of me that says, Finally! Here is a place and time where it is OK to acknowledge REAL emotions, REAL experience. I don't have to pretend it is not happening, do not have to minimize. I only have to maintain objectivity and professionalism so that they may stay functional through their crisis. By doing so with them, I am learning to do the same for myself too.

The triggering I have been having from "mistakes" has gotten to the point where I am experiencing pseudo-seizures. I used to be very afraid of these, especially afraid that they might happen when I am away from the security of my own home. Afraid someone will see, someone will label me as something that I don't want to be labeled. But I am trying not to let that fear be so large. Just trying to trace things back inside my head, in my body, to see where they start and how, so that they may be resolved, finally.

One of the amazing side-effects of doing this new work is experiencing how I am changing, or rather what my psyche is doing to create a counter-balance to what I experience at work. I've normally been a depressive person, not too eager to take on life at its fullest, for myriad reasons. But now, perhaps as a survival strategy created from deep within, I am feeling a push to LIVE! To examine what things and habits I have utilized that keep me from wanting to really LIVE! While I have not gone bungy jumping or anything like that, I do notice a changing of perspective towards allowance of little bits of joy.

Not unrelated to this new-found redirection towards life, is an increase in sexual awareness. Perhaps the conscious realization that life is finite ramps up the biological imperatives that are hard-wired in all of us. Of course this heightened awareness feeds into past pain, too, making the electrical pathways in my brain traceable to a spot which actually sets off a pseudo-seizure. What used to be scarey and make me feel out of control, now is more understandable and more controllable, and actually repeatable - like a scientific experiment. Which makes me feel, very, very heartened that long term relief and resolution is not so far away anymore!

Employed!

After four months of unemployment, I am happy to report that I am now gainfully employed on a full time basis.
So far there is inner calm and a steady determination to learn all I can and do well. This is such a relief!

Spontaneous Imagining

Projecting oneself into the future is something some people do more than others. Where will I live? What will I be doing this time next year, next decade? These are things that I pretend not to care about but my inner life tells the truth. As time pushes on, my stress level regarding my financial situation increases greatly. The scenarios of options for my life in 2010 have begun to churn in my imagination. There is a part of my mind that is actively producing movie-like scenarios and commentary about possible futures spontaneously, on just the minute suggestion of one place or job or another. It is creative and I can see that it is a way for my internal system to cope with uncertainty. Some of the created scenarios are so vivid, they are almost like memories instead of future path options.

What do they say - the power of the imagination....

For example: One job possibility is in a rural area of the US, in the same state I used to live in. I've applied for the job, and am hoping for an interview before mid-November. It's in a field I used to be in, and the majority of my work experience is in that field. I've done that same job before, at a different place. I've seen pictures of the workplace, and the town. That's all I needed for my imagination to fill out what my future could be there. Its not long before I can "feel" myself walking down their sidewalks and riding my bike down the streets. The problems I might face, and the friends I might make. All this sweeps by in my mind in an instant.
Its just imagination, but so strong its like a vision. A desire for safety and purpose so strong it can make me want to move towards it, without giving it greater scrutiny.

And its not just one clear vision for the future. Each sliver of an option gets the same expansive spontaneous imagining. Each option "feels" like I'm already there. Projected into the future, scouting ahead for potential pitfalls, scanning for the emotional traps and setbacks that might come if I chose that direction.
My mind needs to project myself, my emotional self, into the future, into each option, to see if that direction, that choice, is safe. I cannot rely on my logical mind to determine this.

What concerns me is the entirely spontaneous nature of this imagining. The speed with which it creates whole narratives. What it tells me is that I am far more stressed than I allow myself to know. Its a coping strategy my mind uses to keep me from feeling the stress.

I can see that these are imaginings and know that the scenarios are just creations, and not foretellings of my real future. But it is comforting to rest for a minute or two in the scenes. I just cannot allow myself to begin to believe they are at all real. Is this what people call day dreaming?

Two months, wow!

How time flies when you are lost spinning trying to find work. Ha ha.

I didn't get the job for which I was in the running. It was 7.5 weeks before I found out that they passed on me. I'll be starting a short seasonal job at the end of September, but it won't be enough to save my home. So, I'm dealing with basic survivial issues right now. My ddnos is not contributing positively to the situation - I'm finding that my imagination and wishful thinking is creating either denial of the seriousness of the situation or exaggerating the ease with which I will get work and move on into a new job, either in this current state or another one across the country. Its the same skill I used as a kid, painting my life to be safe and manageable when it was (is) not. Humans can really take only so much reality. Well, this human, for sure anyway.

Worrying and fretting all day won't help the situation, so I try not to do that. I save that for when I am asleep, so I can toss and turn all night. ha!

This week I decided that I'll be changing tactics and am going to pursue jobs in a field I used to work in, and in which I have lots of experience. The passion for it left me long ago, but there are other aspects of the work that can be fulfilling, and can certainly act as a laboratory for personal growth in other ways, if I reframe it to be that way.

Sorry for the long abscence. It's been hard to stay centered this summer.

Brain Buzz

Dissociation is the act, the ability to separate various data away from a centralized cohesion so that individual elements exist independently from one another in the storage areas of the mind. The gift of dissociation is that the skill can also be used to slowly identify and re-assemble those elements to again know a whole event that was once too unbearable or too conflicted to comprehend.

Within all of us is an observer, a part of ourselves that takes in data - sights, sounds, emotions, physical sensations - and just notes them, without judgement. The observer is detached and impartial, thus an excellent part to help in healing. Some people mediate to strengthen this part's ability to just observe without judgement. While the concept of co-consciousness is controversial and questioned among some in the field of psychology, I believe that the observer is the conduit of co-consciousness, and that everyone, dissociated or not, has an observer part and is always therefore co-conscious.

The observer part within me has been the primary aide in my own healing. It allows me to identify each element in a flashback experience and de-construct so that I may then re-construct to understand, process and integrate the memory into my general life memory store.

I am in the process of interviewing at a company for full time work. It is a lengthy process, but I am glad that I have a prospect for employment. I am sure my mortgage holder is glad too. ; ) This process has triggered me in numerous ways that always seem to culminate in the same experience. It is something that I must pay attention to so that I can understand and finally integrate the experience, the memory, into my life story. I don't expect that this one ah-ha moment will cure me, but it is a step closer to wholeness. The following is a jumble, but it is clearer (to me) in its connections than has been known to me in the past. Perhaps seeing the progression might help others too. I am sorry if it causes any of you trouble. If you are not in a good place, just don't read it.

*********TRIGGERING INFO FOLLOWS********

When I made a mistake on the 10 page document which I had to submit, which I then worried would disqualify me as a candidate, the anxiety about making a mistake brought up the part that speaks baby talk - actually it sounds more like speaking in tongues. I can intersperse adult vocal english with the baby talk, at different volumes, and mostly I can control that I don't speak this way when others are present. But it definitely is a separate part that is communicating, co-conscious with me (the host?) Anxiety about making a mistake, of being judged and feeling a threat to my survival (a lack of employment/income as a single person in the US is a threat to my survival!) triggers other dormant parts to activate.

When I was called in for an interview (mistake didn't disqualify me, yeah!) I found after listening to the interviewer, who would be my manager, that one of the traits that would help me in that job, and would motivate me to do my best, is my desire for accomplishment and desire to please an authority figure by completing tasks according to their time table. This realization brought the feeling of wanting to please to the surface, and it mixed with the anxiety I was feeling, as well as the feelings of fear of making a mistake, and the fear of being judged. Those feelings combined triggered other elements to wake from their dormancy well after the interview was over. As the days pass, more elements surface, like an oral fixation - to eat, and a desire to kiss someone. (Alas, no present outlet for this!) So I eat more than usual, not ever seeming to be satisfied.

Then the left side of my brain feels like it has been isolated, and is slightly buzzing. There is a distant physical sensation of my mouth being full, then an overall feeling of overwhelm and loss of control. I feel panic inside my chest. My brain feels like electricity is bouncing all around the sectioned off part. Then an energy concentration in the brain, similar to what an orgasm does to the brain.
Then I feel a distant sense of terror, and slight all over body tremor, and head tremor and my head begins to shake, body shaking similar to shaking when you've experienced a fright (car accident, or seeing/hearing an explosion - adrenline crash.)
Then distant sensation of needing to vomit or gagging, more distant feelings of panic and actual body seizures. Then feel that someone somewhere inside is screaming, panicking, feeling like their body is out of control.
Brain buzzing with electricity
Conflict, wanting the pleasure but ashamed of the source
Defeat
Shame of letting go
of being betrayed
of not being valued
of not being seen as a separate person
Despair for not being valued
for not being seen as a separate person who exists
Mortification
reduced to nothingness
valueless
tenuous existence - ego wonders "AM I REAL?"

The thought that the french call orgasm "the little death" and those that study sex have said that orgasm is a momentary loss of the ego. The idea that children, who have not yet solidified their ego, would experience orgasm not just as a "little death" but actual death. How profoundly wrong it is to subject them to that when they are not equipped to survive it.
*******TRIGGER ENDS************

This summary is closer than I have been in a while to understanding what overcomes me sometimes. The mixture of feelings surfacing out of nowhere really messes up my ability to function sometimes. Looking at it from an observer it appears to be a whole memory of something I experienced. Progress, I'd say. Progress.

On the lighter side

Unemployment is like a vacation, without any money (except unemployment checks, of course.) So, I'm doing things that are cheap but fun to amuse myself and keep "centered" but still feel adventurous.

Since I have to grocery shop anyway, I have decided that each time I go, I'll try something new that I've never eaten/drank before. Some items I have tested lately are these.

Tamarind soda. I don't remember the brand. I tried it because I never even tasted tamarind before. It's actually quite tasty! Definitely will buy it again in the future.

Canary melon. Sweeter than a honeydew and it looks like a bright yellow football (US.) Recommended.

Gaia melon. Smelled spicey but did not taste spicey. Bland and overpriced. Will not buy again.

Santa claus melon. Tasted like a cross between a honeydew and a cantaloupe. Looks like a green pinstriped football (US). If it is small and on sale, I might buy it again.

Coconut water. Not a real fan of coconut taste. Decided that I won't buy that again.

Coconut oil. Louanna, for general use, and "organic" other brands for fancy stuff. Louanna is inexpensive and works great in pizza dough. Plant derived fat with a much milder taste than olive oil. This is now a kitchen staple! Keep it in the fridge to extend its shelf life.

Coconut milk. Doesn't really taste coconutty, well, not strongly anyway, and has plant based fat, which works well with my new vegan diet. Well, 75% vegan, 25% flexitarian. Long story there. It too has become a staple in my pantry. I haven't come across a brand yet that I didn't like. Comes in convenient cans for easy, long-term pantry storage. Great in smoothies and a good all in one substitute for the fat (butter or margarine) and milk in instant mashed potatoes.

Naked Juice, Green Machine. Looks questionable but tastes marvelous! I only get this when its on sale. Supplies many vitamins derived from leafy greens of which I need to eat more.

Odwallah's Superfood and other flavors of juices. Same as Naked Juice, only more expensive. Yum! Special occasions, only.

Rice pasta. Tinkyada Pasta Joy brand is preferred, but Trader Joe's brand is good too. Cooks up firm, nice texture. Costs twice as much as regular pastas, but then I don't eat much pasta, so I can rationalize the cost. It contains no gluten, which helps me tremenduously. Rice pasta is now my pasta of choice.

Late July brand cookies. Well, I actually tried these last year and liked them better than Oreos. But now can't eat them due to the filling ingredients. Sigh. But you can. I highly recommend them!

Trader Joe's Hemp Protein powder. No, I don't get high. It supplies plant derived protein to put in my juice smoothies. Can't eat soy nor whey protein. Egg white protein is iffy too. That leaves Rice, pea, and hemp proteins that are moer readily available in my area.

Pacfic brand Almond Milk. Blue Diamond brand is ok too. Because I'm lactose intolerant. Rice milk started giving me trouble, and the almond milk has more protein for my smoothies, so its now a staple. A plus is that it can be stored up to a year in the pantry, and only needs refridgeration just before opening for use.

Hemp milk. Richer than I care to have my milk. Won't buy again.

PAPAYA! Wow, this fruit is packed with vitamins and good for you digestive enzymes. Can't recommend it enough to those with IBS, crohns, etc. I eat it daily and juice it and freeze it for future uses.

Aloe Vera Juice. I use the Lily of the Desert brand. Soothes the tummy and cleans the gut. Taste is a bit astringent, but a tablespoon of it added to smoothies provides extra vitamins.

Rice Works brand rice chips. Expensive but good, tastes a bit like fritos corn chips or sun chips but does not contain gluten, wheat or corn.

Popchips. Potato chips that are neither baked nor fried. They are "popped." Tastes like Pringles without the salt. They come in a variety of flavors. I get the smaller bags since I have no self control once the bags are open.

Tribe brand hummus, forty spices flavor. Very spicey but excellent, to me! Hard to find so when I do find it, I buy it.

If you see something in the grocery store that looks interesting, but you haven't tasted it before, buy a small one and try. You just might discover something that then becomes your newest gotta have favorite thing!

When there's no way out, go deeper in

Status update: I am now unemployed. I knew that it was coming since my most recent job was seasonal temporary. If not for the need to pay the bills, I could happily remain unemployed indefinately! The Unemployment office has so far approved my benefits claim - from when I was employed for a large company earlier last year. For those future weekly unemployment checks- I am extremely grateful!


"When there's no way out, go deeper in." That line is from the movie 'The International,' which I watched earlier this week on DVD. Not sure how truly sound that advice is, but I find myself coming to the same conclusion today, wanting to apply that new philosophy to my current job search.

Year after year I've operated my life as if this DDNOS / PTSD was something that was attached to me externally. As if it was a boil or a mole that I could just cover up, something that just irritated a bit, and got in the way occasionally, but was not a huge obstacle in my life. (I guess there is no limit to the denial I use!)

But lately I have come to see that the DDNOS and PTSD are a huge deal, especially in relation to how I go about making a living and how I interact with people at work. Everything I do in my daily life is predicated on my need to be aware of what triggers I may encounter and how well I can stay centered and cohesive internally. I experience a great deal of stress on the job when I work with so many people who come in and out of my general workspace. The confusion I feel when I cannot understand the decisions management makes, and the bewilderment I experience when I cannot understand fluxuating social alliances just makes the stress build and build until I become an intense, difficult, negative, pain in the ass to others around me. This pattern goes back through each job I've held since my working life began. It appears that I am controlled by that pattern, and I am unsure how to change or stop it. So instead I've recognized that now I am attempting to control the pattern (eliminate the possible occurance) by looking for jobs that might isolate me more than I am already. Which is not the way to have the pattern broken, I know. For the isolation and lack of opportunities to do a broader range of tasks which utilize a broader range of my skills will only feed the stress, and repeat the pattern once again. I know, I know.

So this "no way out, go deeper in" thing... Instead of denying that what I have is truly a disability, instead why not run towards it? Embrace it. DDNOS / PTSD controls all the other areas of my life, why not give it a premier spot in my work life too? Make it my whole life (for it really has been anway.) Perhaps working in areas that address disabilities, and serving those who have disabilities may be the key to helping me come to terms with my own. Perhaps I'd be able to heal on a level that I haven't been able to before. What do you think of this logic? Is it logical at all?

This new approach has actually revived some old, positive, creative energies within me. I am reminded of other skills that I have that have been dorment for a very long time. It's exciting to recall them. As always, there's a caution in the background, telling myself to be mindful of the dangers of flagrant optimism and zealous enthusiasm - mustn't fly too high towards the moon, its important to keep the feet on the ground!

And so now I feel trepidation and internally defeated. Somewhere inside I finally accepted that I am human.